Please note that this is an Archived article and may contain content that is out of date. The use of she/her/hers pronouns in some articles is not intended to be exclusionary. Eating disorders can affect people of all genders, ages, races, religions, ethnicities, sexual orientations, body shapes, and weights.
By: a Former Patient
So scared and frail, the desire to die, pain and anguish
Coming in here completely ready to give up
I take another shot at trying to live
My self-worth diminished
A broken spirit trying to fight alone
Undeserving, self-induced punishment, and self-mutilation.
Do I deserve to live? Do I let anyone in?
Fear of rejection
A taste of love, a ray of hope
Undeserving and unreal, I define the word “sin”
I let it in a bit more
Constant love and support
Successes and failures, acceptance and rejection
Reality brushes by
Strength I must have
I climb and fall and risk and fail and risk and succeed
Beginning to see where I’ve been and where I want to go
Hugs, kisses, support, pinches, encouragement, empowerment
The negative is beginning to lessen
Hope more frequent
Letting in more
Believing and praying
Deserving at times
I came in here so afraid and my identity was Mr. E.D. It was my life, my joy, my sadness, my best friend. I never thought it would be possible to live without it. A little at a time. A few steps forward, a couple back. I let people in and that was the key. Telling your secrets and doing the opposite of what the negative tells you, praying and trusting. All of our desires are good, I know mine are. I can fight the negative, I have strength to do it. I know because I am doing it. I am so much happier, and more free. I know you can get to at least the place I am right now. I don’t want the rest of my life to depend on the numbers on a scale. I know I have much more to give. … I want to love myself and I am becoming stronger and closer to that everyday. I know I’ll have hard days, but I never want to go back to the depression, the isolation, the self-hatred, the hell, the pain, the sadness, the powerlessness, the constant defeating battle. I want so much more. I believe in you and know you can do this too.