Please note that this is an Archived article and may contain content that is out of date. The use of she/her/hers pronouns in some articles is not intended to be exclusionary. Eating disorders can affect people of all genders, ages, races, religions, ethnicities, sexual orientations, body shapes, and weights.

By Nikki Rollo, PhD, LMFT

Health, healing and happiness are often marketed to us in these quick-fix, neatly wrapped little packages. We receive uninvited pop-ups and ads on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and Twitter telling us how we can look, feel, and be better. We find ourselves sitting in a doctor’s office, nail or hair salon flipping through a magazine and are unexpectedly hit with a message in an article or advertisement that makes us compare our own worth and well-being to the standard set before us by some unknown “Other” that is mass media. It happens so quickly. Before we know it, we are feeling frantic. We recognize our shame. We notice anxiety building and what soon follows is a pull to buy something or have a procedure or try a new workout- all driven by a deep desire to soothe what hurts inside. Yet these outside fixes fall short of our hopes and expectations.

We all desire healing from our suffering. We are looking for ways to heal from loneliness, alienation, addiction, broken relationships, and eating disorders. A quick google search on the word healing will bring up all kinds of interesting things. For example, you can find 10 tips or 5 tips for healing yourself. You can find a path to heal in 15 days or 30 days. Google even tells you that you can even heal yourself in 5 minutes or less! And while there may be some useful ideas presented in these articles or ads, the work of healing and recovery simply isn’t a quick fix like this. It is a process. It is a conscious and intentional journey. While it would be great if there was a special serum or magic pill, the reality is emotional healing is a deep process of inner work.

So often, for those struggling with eating disorders, suffering shows up in the form of shame. Shame is a powerful emotion that is distinct from guilt. Guilt is about doing something bad and feeling remorse. Shame is about feeling that you are a bad person, defective in your essence. Shame is less about doing anything wrong or bad, but more about a deep embarrassment and humiliation connected to feeling inadequate at the core of oneself.

Shame and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown conducted a study in which her participants described shame as “devastating, noxious, consuming, excruciating, separate from other, trapped, powerless, and isolated”. Shame is a painful experience that includes both our valuation of ourselves and the way we think we are seen by others.

The Courageous Antidote 

So, what heals from this deeply painful emotion? Ancient wisdom from many religions and spiritual traditions tells us that the principle of compassion and self-compassion is key on the way through our suffering, pain, and the hardships we endure as humans.

What is self-compassion? 

Self-Compassion researcher Kristen Neff, in her book Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, defines it as “an attitude of kindness and acceptance toward one’s personal distress and disappointments”.

Self-compassion is about turning toward our suffering with a desire and commitment to alleviate it (Buddhist definition). This means we have to take action steps and really engage in the work.

This practice takes great courage. We have to be quite deliberate about becoming curious about our feelings and extending kindness to ourselves- which is at the very heart of compassion.

Action Steps 

Healing is action-oriented. It is a process we must participate in, not something that is done to us.  Kristen Neff defines three core components of self-compassion. Here are a few action steps you can do that relate to each one:

  • Self-Kindness: offering ourselves understanding instead of punishment
    • Action Step: When shame starts to rise up and self-critical thoughts are getting louder, try responding to yourself with something like “I can see this is really hard for you right now” “It is understandable that you would feel distressed today because…”. Focus on understanding and acceptance for the position you are in and the distress you are feeling. This is an action of turning toward the suffering and acknowledging it, rather than ignoring our pain.
  • Common humanity: recognizing that everyone suffers
    • Action Step: It is easy for us to compare ourselves to others, but this step asks us to see the similarities instead of the differences. Reach out to someone and have a cup of tea, take a walk, talk and listen. Take a step to connect with someone else in your life and share. This can start to chip away at the thoughts that you are alone in your suffering. This is an action of being with another and allowing another to be with you in the hard times.
  • Mindfulness: holding a balanced awareness of our experiences in life
    • Action Step: Mindfulness creates an environment where our compassion can flourish. It calls our attention not only to the good or only to the bad, but asks us to be in a nonjudgmental and open state of mind to our experience. You might try lighting a candle, and sitting and focusing on the flame, breathing in and out for a round of 10 breaths. You could try sitting and breathing and just focusing in on a neutral body part such as your left big toe or the top of your head. A few minutes of this practice each day allows us to expand our capacity for turning toward our suffering and meeting it with kindness and compassion.

“Our sorrows and wounds are healed, only when we touch them with compassion” -Jack Kornfield.