Imagine yourself soaring through the sky, nothing holding you down, just being able to feel weightless and free, dipping, climbing, diving, twisting, and dancing with the breeze. With each change comes a feeling of joy, exhilaration, and a feeling of self-worth, knowing that for those below you are creating art in the sky. As others watch you, they feel “free-er” themselves.

For a while, I lost sight of hope, of soaring free. With each new setback, it felt like another chain and ball was added to me to keep me down. Each day was such a struggle. The war that was raging in my mind was so fast and furious that there was no rest. So many times I felt that I just wanted to disappear and then maybe I could feel rest.

I wanted something. I wanted to find peace and rest. I wanted to know who I was. So much time was consumed with hating myself and beating myself up when things did not go as I had hoped.

It was a vicious cycle that was never ending. I knew that even though I was trying so hard and giving my all, it was not enough. I needed help.

For the past three-and-a-half months, I have been slowly finding hope again. With each passing day, I learn more and more about myself, why things have affected me as they have, and facing them. I won't lie. This is one of the hardest journeys I have had to make so far.

In my experiences I have always been able to see what I'm up against and then fight with all my might. This is something that I can't see. This is something that many times does not make any sense. I believe that I have spent more time being confused than anything else.

Slowly, ever so slowly, pieces come together and sense can be made of this swirling madness. These pieces come together when we are ready and willing to let them. With each new piece, a picture starts to form. In the midst of confusion, sorrow, anger and pain, peace, happiness, and contentment start to form.

By no means am I saying that I am cured. That would be presumptuous on my part. What I am saying though is there is so much I'm learning and will continue to learn about who I truly am and what I want out of life. This learning process will never be over. We have our whole lives ahead of us to put what we learn into action, to help those who are struggling, but not to forget who we are at the same time.

Other aspects that have really affected me are loving who I am and forgiveness, forgiveness mainly for myself. These two things alone by themselves are what have greatly impacted me on this journey.

As I stated earlier, I had gotten to a point where I dreaded each day. Each day was like another nail in my coffin. I would try so hard and then, when I would fail, it was another affirmation to what a failure I was.

The one thing that took the number one spot of failure in my life was coming home from my mission. For fourteen-and-a-half months I fought so hard to stay and serve the people that I had grown to love so much. Each night I would pray and ask for help, and each day was such a battle, a battle that I knew I was losing.

Finally, I had to make one of the hardest decisions so far in my life, the decision to come home. Deep in my heart I knew that regardless of what President Emery said, I would not be returning to finish.

When I returned home, things just escalated even worse then they had ever been. I felt hurt. I felt that my heart had been torn out and was being torn into little pieces. I beat myself up constantly. I kept asking myself why couldn't I do it? Why was I so weak?

These past months I have never cried so much in my life. I didn't even cry when dad passed away. I believe that this was the tip of the iceberg for me. Before I could even start to forgive myself, I needed to first feel all those years of pent up emotion. I needed to slowly chip away at the fortress I had built around my heart and emotions.

This chipping process is slow, hard, and painful. Many times I felt that I kept running into a brick wall and was getting nowhere fast. But what I have come to realize is that with each hit, I am making the wall weaker. With each hit, I am learning more about myself.

Only recently have I been able to start forgiving myself, especially in regards to my mission. By hating myself, I was turning my back on all the wonderful experiences I had. I was turning my back on the people I had grown to love and the closeness I felt to our Heavenly Father.

The other day, I was talking with Sister Ball, one of my old companions, about mission experiences. She told me that I was a blessing to her and she felt that I was one of the hardest working missionaries out there.

Immediately in my mind I started discounting what she said. I caught myself, and then I told her, "Thank you." I still have a very hard time accepting compliments, but I also know that she would not say it if she didn't mean it.

For me, this was a big step, accepting what others say and not looking all the time at what I did wrong. By always looking at what was wrong, I lose out on all the good and all the joy in life. Each of us has so much to offer. Each of us is so unique and beautiful. Whenever we do anything, it is always with our own style.

I had a bird once named Ying. Ying was a gorgeous greycheeked parakeet. Her personality was so sweet and loving. I would always play with her and let her sit on my shoulder as I cleaned. When she was about one-year-old, she started to pick at herself. Eventually, she almost picked off all her feathers and bled a lot. We were so worried that we tried everything to stop her but to no avail. Things just got worse. Finally, as a last resort, we gave her back to the lady who raised Ying. Eventually though, Ying died.

As I thought about Ying, I drew a parallel to myself. I was picking at myself, and what I was doing was going to kill me. Like Ying, it started small and slowly grew until it was out of control.

For me, asking for help was a very humbling experience. I knew that I could not do it on my own. As I have been here, I have felt stronger, not only physically, but emotionally. Just like a puzzle, I am building, piece by piece. At times it is slow and the pieces may not fit, but I just pick up another and try. We are not always going to find the right fit, but we can learn and grow from what we have tried. Slowly, the picture starts to take shape.

Confidence starts to seep back into our lives, confidence in ourselves. Confidence is who we are.

Recovery is a process that cannot be rushed. We need to be willing to ask for help and then accept the help that is being offered to us. As we accept help, a change starts to occur within ourselves. We start facing our demons and fight them. With each obstacle, we overcome. Satisfaction with ourselves builds. Many times we don't recognize that we are forgiving ourselves. This forgiveness helps us to love ourselves for who we are. As we come to love ourselves, our love for others deepens beyond our wildest dreams. Dreams that we thought were long dead or unattainable are within our reach. This is a healing process or journey we are taking.

Like a bird with a broken wing, we must take time to heal. We must accept help, have our wing or wings wrapped, let ourselves be nurtured as we go through the process of healing. Eventually, our wings can be unwrapped and we are encouraged to try them out. We may flap and flounder around for a while, but eventually we take to the sky. We can once again soar and feel free to follow our hearts as we create art in the sky. There is joy as we dance our own dance.