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Post by: k |
Posted: 09/14/07 01:05 am |
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Does anyone out there ever feel like you can't tell anyone when you are struggling because others will be disappointed in you? I've been feeling that way a lot lately. I feel like I can't talk to anyone that is close to me because they will think I've given up on recovery or that I don't care anymore. Sometimes I think that nobody will know I am hurting unless I can physically show them by losing weight, yet at the same time I get so defensive if anyone asks me if something is wrong and I want to hide my hurt. I know it doesn't make any logical sense, but I do it anyway. I'm afraid people will think I am a horrible wife and mother if I am struggling, but maybe I just feel that about myself and I don't want other people to see that in me. I am so ashamed of some of the things I have done to hide my eating disorder lately. I wish I was stronger and could fight back the temptations to do ED behaviors. |
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Reply by: lynet |
Replied: 09/18/07 06:14 pm |
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I feel the same way a lot of the time. you are not alone. I feel like I am letting my husband and daughter down among all others. I wish I could help you... then maybe i could help me too.
I never had a real after care program and in the 7 years since I left CFC I have only done well and been healthy for a total of less that 6 months. ED is no longer the center of everything, it just is... it is like it doesn't matter or effect me.
Bless you and I too will pray for you. |
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Reply by: k |
Replied: 09/19/07 11:26 pm |
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Thanks. It is so hard being a mom while struggling with an ED. I feel exactly the same when you say it's not the center of everything, it just is. I also have been out of the center for a while (8 years) and never had a good aftercare either. I don't feel like I've ever totally let go of my ED except when I was pregnant. I've gone through times doing fairly well but I have always gone back to ED. I never wanted to believe people who said that an ED is like alcoholism and that you will never fully get over it. I used to always believe in the Center's philosophy that ED's are learned and can therefor be unlearned, but the longer I struggle the harder that is to have faith in. |
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Reply by: This is Me |
Replied: 09/29/07 07:23 am |
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Yes, I have felt the fear of "disappointing" others. I recognize that it's the perfectionism/black and white thinking that's making me feel that way, but it's still hard. A few things I've done that have helped -- I have learned who I can call, and when I do call someone I make sure to preface my "venting" with something like "I'm doing good overall, I'm just having a down day today. Can I vent (or cry on your shoulder, or bend your ear)?" Sometimes I will tell them I'm not looking for advice, I'm not asking for counsel, I just need to talk.
Also I tell myself that "normal people" have down days and that it's not a matter of being perfect in recovery or being sick to the point of physical harm -- it's a matter of living life with all it's attendant ups and downs and that struggles are okay, urges are okay, and needing to lean on someone when we feel these urges and struggles is okay as well.
What I'm learning is that people understand. At least people who are REAL understand. Sometimes it's hard for those who are closest to you (husband, kids, etc.) to accept that you might have a hard day. But continually reassure them, demonstrate by your behavior that you are not relapsing, you are simply experiencing the normal waves of recovery. Show them recovery literature or let them talk to a therapist or someone at CFC with more knowledge if that's what would help. Set up signals to use to let loved ones/friends know when you are okay but just need to cry and when you are genuinely struggling and need support/encouragement to get past urges.
But above all believe in yourself and your ability to live and experience life -- with all its attendant emotional ups and downs -- and WITHOUT the demonic control of an eating disorder.
Good luck with everything!
P.S. Find some good aftercare! If you don't live in the Orem area, call CFC and maybe they/Rita can give you some referrals. Aftercare made all the difference to me. One year out and well into a healthy and wonderful recovery!! : ) |
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