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	Post by: This is Me	Posted: 04/20/08 02:22 am
	So I have been in a relapse lately, but have finally made the decision to pull myself out and live life again. I have haunted this board for a few weeks now, wanting to reach out for help, but not quite sure how to do it here. But if I can't do it here, where else can I possibly go? Beginning recovery again is so hard. When in treatment, everything is laid out for you, and it's new and it's a discovery every day, and there is a bubble of support and positivity surrounding you 24/7. But now I'm out in reality, armed with bunches of information from when I was in the Center, and overwhelmed with wondering what to do with it all! How do I apply it? Where do I start? How do I know what is going to be most important to do first? How do I build support when "nobody really understands?" And it's not just recovery, but recovery while dealing with reality that is so hard. I can't take a break from life to deal with this stupid disorder. But when those feelings hit, the anxiety, the panic, the loss of control, the (oh no) *emotions*, how do I continue to function? I never thought I would be at this point again, having to decide over and over again not to use my eating disorder. Right now I'm not doing it for myself, but for things/reasons outside of myself. Eventually it will get to where it's for me, I'm sure. Anyway, just wanted to throw this out there and see if anyone can relate or maybe just throw me a lifeline of support?
	Reply by: k	Replied: 04/22/08 12:17 am
	This is me, I'm glad you are choosing recovery, even if you are doing it for other things that's ok as long as it gets you where you need to be. Remember thats it's ok to take a break if you need one. I know life can be hectic, but if you're going through life with an ED your probably not really living anyway, just going through the motions. Try being open and honest with those close to you, even if they don't understand what it's like for you they can still offer you words of encouragement and help support you along the way. If they make stupid comments as many people do just come to us here on the board and we'll do our best to heal the damage. Good luck to you. Keep us informed on how you you are doing. I'll be praying for you.
	Reply by: This is Me	Replied: 04/22/08 01:56 am
	Thanks for the support. It means a lot. It is important to have people who do truly understand the struggle, even as it is important to just have people for support. The problem I have had, and it may be just the eating disorder's nasty distorted thinking, but the friends who have been there in the past and celebrated my success with my past recovery just don't seem to be there the same way during the relapse. It's not burnout, and I know they have good intentions, but every time I do reach out, they don't respond (either fail to call back or they stand me up or brush me off). I know their hearts are good, but my head tells me it's because something is wrong with ME. So I tend to close off and want to be alone, "just to show them!" And sometimes it triggers a desire to use the ED even more. Also, I don't know what you mean by "taking a break," but if you knew my circumstances (which I don't want to describe so I can stay anonymous), you would understand why I really genuinely can't take a break. In fact, the relapse is due in part (huge part) to the fact that I CAN'T take a break and it seemed to give some aspect of control to a life that seemed out of control. It worked for a while, actually still was working, but I decided the risks weren't worth it. I know where it will lead and I'm not going there again. So now I still have the over-busy life AND trying to recover from a relapse! I think I need a goal. I need a direction, something specific to work on. Otherwise, like I said, I get overwhelmed by all the choices of where to go and what to do in recovery, and it's just too much, so I don't do any of them! I do have some behavior goals that I am working on food-wise with a dietitian, but "living" wise, I need to be challenged. Anybody have any suggestions or ideas?
	Reply by: sis	Replied: 04/22/08 04:02 am
	Dear This is Me: It’s your former roommate,,, the one who snored. Ha ha, ha. I am glad that you sharing even though your circumstances may be challenging. I keep to the basics and stick to them. I believe that recovery has a lot with sticking to the simple basics. I take a 3x5 card, date it and then write a couple of goals for the week and then on the other side I write an affirmation. You may be going through the motions of recovery but you will begin to live your life when you are doing things for you. And when you are doing things for you, well, there you are, square in the middle of life – your life in fact. Espra once asked me a very sobering question that not only rattled me but it also began to break away and melt the addiction of ED on my life. She asked “What are you going to do to have a life?” I am working to answer this question and I will for the rest of my life. It’s a question answered only by daily practicing recovery and sticking to it. I journal, see a therapist, stick to nutritional goals such as three meals and three snacks a day, exercise in healthy ways, take medication, collage, share with my family, practice 12 steps and believe or not I have begun to read my bible and go to church. I still struggle with some stuff and sometimes stumble – it’s like that sometimes. It’s like that sometimes. I don’t expect perfection or dotting my “Is” and crossing my “Ts.” I just keep trying. Sometimes I go slowly and just have to take it one step at a time. ED freezes you and stunts your life and as you reclaim your life, your identity, your self esteem, your relationship with yourself, with others you start living. I admit, it’s difficult and going back into that cold cave and going back into hibernation may look good. But I encourage you to take those steps and come out and start living. My first three months after leaving CFC were hard because I had to work hard to reclaim my life, my self-esteem, my career, family, relationships and practice recovery. It can be hard. I journaled daily and I carried a card in my pocket of just a couple of simple goals for the week and affirmations. I didn’t concentrate on the goals as I did the affirmations. I ate three meals, three snacks, walked in the afternoon, up at 6 am and bed by 10 pm, kept my appointments, worked, did chores at home and practiced recovery by practicing what I learned instead going for my old comfort zone of ED. If it gets hard I will distract my self or go to a family member. Look into a 12 step recovery, ask your dietician about this too, look into support groups where you are, look for support at church. Practice the Step 1 in your 12 step book that you got while at CFC and start their. Make amends and stick to it. People will grow in their relationship with you when they see that you are serious and committed to your own recovery. You are a wonderful person and I remember how much help that you were to me when I was at the CFC. You have the strength and I believe you. Blessings ---Sis
	Reply by: kodslice	Replied: 04/22/08 04:24 pm
	Hi this is me! I am happy you are looking for help and trying hard! I hope you are doing well, and I hope you can work things out. How I try to think about things is what it will do in the end. What consequences and things come for my choices. When I have my struggles I really try to think of what I really want most in life and focus on that. Motivation gets you started, and desire keeps you going! Its hard when you feel like no one is around and supporting you. I have been working on trying to go up to them instead of them coming to me. Try and really share your feelings, and most people understand and want to help. Well, I know I am not much help, but I just hope that you can stay strong, and remember the worst part is coming out of relapse. If you can stay strong and stick through it, Life will get easier as you get used to it and get in healthy habits. I love you and DON'T give up! Love kody
	Reply by: bear	Replied: 04/23/08 04:17 pm
	Sorry to hear you are struggling but I am glad to know you are reaching out for help. Two thoughts... Where do I begin? With prayer and with gratitude. Every morning I take 5 minutes and give that time to God. I ask for help. I say sorry for having so little faith and so much frustration most of the time. I don't ask for anything and I don't address the "big issues" in life, I just ask for enough strength to get through my day. I ask for enough faith to try to let God's will act through me instead of ignoring what seems to be the right thing in a given situation. It's really the 11th step - asking only for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry that out. All I need is one day and that is all I think of. It keeps me centered throughout the day to remind myself - just today, that that's all I have. And then at the end of the day I begin again... with gratitude. I make a list before bed and even the smallest things count. I am grateful for my breath, for the wind, I am grateful for sunshine, I am grateful that my pinky toe doesn't hurt at the moment. (Maybe a good one now is - I am grateful that 4 women all over the world read my post and know and care enough about me to try to offer their love and support. Thats kind or huge...we are lucky for this board.) Anything. Its amazing how much it helps to just focus on a few things you are grateful for. Nothing is ever all bad, and both these things remind me to change my perspective a bit. I hope they help in some small way. Gotta love 12 step programs, every bit of good advice I have comes from there. Keep writing, sweetie! You deserve health, peace, well-being. You are enough. Promise.
	Reply by: This is Me	Replied: 04/24/08 12:38 am
	What amazing women you all are. Thank you so much for your responses and your support. Kody, you are right--the worst part about a relapse is coming out of it. Yuck. I have only just now recognized what I was doing to myself. I had decieved myself into thinking it wasn't really that bad, and even when I started recovery I wasn't convinced that the ED was harmful. Guess what? I now recognize how harmful it was! Which brings me to Sis's suggestion of 12-step. I have put 12-step on the back burner for quite a while and just pulled out my book yesterday. I am clearly at Step One, seeing the unmanageability of my life and my disorder. Honestly, I wasn't ready to admit that before--I really felt like I was managing things very well, and that the eating disorder was actually helping me to manage things! Oh the distorted thought patterns of an eating disorder! Your suggestions are great. Kody, consequences are definitely a motivating factor right now! I have a LOT to lose if I continue on this destructive path--more than I am willing to sacrifice, so that is getting me moving in the right direction. Thanks. Sis, I love the idea of a card with goals and an affirmation. I used index cards often when I was in the center-- for goals, for emotions, whatever I needed reminding of at the time. I think I will use that idea. And Bear, thank you for reminding me to be grateful. I was feeling pretty pathetic and thankless. I think I will use an index card to write down things that I am grateful for all throughout the day, cuz if I leave it until bedtime, I probably won't do it! And #1 on my list is definitely those who care and offer love and support. I am sure there are more than the 4 here--I KNOW there are more than the 4 here, and I am grateful for every last one of them. I too love 12-step! Am only starting at step 1 currently (don't even mention step 11, too overwhelming!!) but I am humbled. Thank you again you beautiful ladies. Found this poem today--tell me what you think. Beauty Tips by Sam Ieveson For attractive lips, speak kind words For beautiful eyes, look for the good in people For the perfect figure, share your blessings with the needy For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries or the way she does her hair The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes because that is the way to her heart, the place where love resides Love, peace, and joy to all! You -- WE -- are worth it!!
	Reply by: sis	Replied: 04/24/08 02:03 am
	Dear This Is Me: " Now, with God's help, I shall become myself." -- Soren Kierkegaard I think you've made a great start in finding what is so important and that is yourself. You've got a great bunch of friends who care about you. I am praying for you good friend. Keep sharing with us --- Step One is difficult but it seems when you start and stck to it you start finding your life and start getting rid of the Yuk in life, as Kody says. kody, you are so smart! I love the message of gratitude and self love (and care) that Bear shared,,,, she's right on target too. Stick to it. It's the sticking that counts. Remember, people don't recovery because they do everything right,,,, they recover because they stick to it. Blessings, Sis
	Reply by: bear	Replied: 04/24/08 11:08 am
	Sis - you are so right on that last point! I have messed up so many times in recovery, there is not a day that goes by that I don't make some mistake or give too much power to a negative thought or indulge my depression - or a combination of all three:) But that really, really, truly does NOT matter! Because every day I decide to try again. There is no such things as a perfect recovery. Its all just a messy, beautiful, frustrating, joyous process...thanks for the wonderful reminder to value it all...
	Reply by: sis	Replied: 04/25/08 02:38 pm
	Bear: Thanks so much. You are a very cool gal and I think you really hit it on the head. Recovery is filled with both success and challenging times --- that's why it is called recovery. I hope all is well with you and I am really proud of you! Sis

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