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	Post by: k	Posted: 03/06/08 02:11 am
	So I actually attempted to post this a few days ago, but silly me wrote a really long post and then when I went to actually post it my session had timed out and the whole things was lost! This time I was smart and first typed it in word. It has taken me a few days to get the energy to rewrite it all. The reason I wanted to post was to let everyone know how I was doing (as the last time I posted I was in a pretty rough spot) and to share my experience going through pregnancy and being a new mom. I found that there is little out there about what it’s like to experience pregnancy after recovering from an eating disorder and I wanted to share some of my story in hopes that it may help someone out there. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was elated. We had been trying for a while with no success, so when it finally happened I was very happy. I have to say that in the beginning I was somewhat naive about how I would be able to handle pregnancy and being a mother. I really thought I was going to be ok with all the changes to my body and that once the baby came things were going to be perfect and happy. I guess it is easy to fall back into those old perfectionist thinking patterns. Even though I knew gaining weight was a healthy part of pregnancy it was still hard for me to accept. Luckily I have a very supportive husband that always assured me that I was looking beautiful, but looking back I wish I would have been more open about my insecure feelings. I encourage anyone out there going through this to ask for support and talk about their feelings often. Before the baby was born I had this mental picture in my head of how things would be once he arrived. I pictured myself rocking the baby and him cooing at me and I thought I was going to be the perfect little mommy. Wow, was I in for a shock! My baby cried all the time and I was experiencing postpartum depression. I held back a lot of my feelings for several months for fear that I wouldn’t be that “perfect mom.” I now realize that holding back so much lead me to have a little relapse with my eating disorder. I will also admit that I had a hard time accepting the weight gain from the pregnancy. In the past few months I have been working hard at rebuilding my support systems. It has been a while since I went to the Center and over time I had forgotten some of the important life skills I learned there. I have been trying to relearn some of those coping techniques and allowing myself to be “imperfect.” One thing that has helped me the most is being open and honest with people about my feelings. It is certainly hard at times, but I know that in order to stay happy and healthy I need to do it. Also prayer and looking to my higher power gave me much needed strength. I have also been rereading Intuitive Eating and trying to honor my hunger (I may post some thoughts about this in the future as I continue to work on it to get your feedback). There is just one more thing I want to write about. There are times when I am watching my son where I experience what I like to call butterfly moments. He will be doing something so simple, like discovering how a new toy works, and I will look at him in complete aw and my stomach just fills with butterflies. It is these times that give me the strength to keep fighting. I look back at how I once almost ruined my chances at motherhood by listening to my eating disorder and I am so grateful that I chose life and recovery. It’s amazing that our bodies have the ability to create life. Good luck to all of you out there who may be going through the woes of pregnancy and motherhood. Remember that you are not alone and that you are worth it!
	Reply by: Ashley B.	Replied: 04/11/08 03:04 pm
	I didn't read this before I posted by message today. I want to tell you thank you so much. I'm going to print this off, and read it every time i'm feeling down.

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