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	Post by: bear	Posted: 01/31/08 09:56 pm
	Hi all. I joined this not too long ago and I don't post often, though I love to read other peoples insights. I wanted to put this out there to see if anyone has had a similar thought/issue. So I've been in recovery since I left the center in August 2006. I'm doing REALLY well...never went back to ED....have had my struggles and my hard moments and all that, but am really happy with how far I've come. My life has changed a lot - everything has changed. I went back to school and finished my BA, I moved across the country and I have my first real job. I've been at this new phase of my life for about 6 months and I have to say sometimes it is just so freakin' hard. I'm not tempted anymore to actually engage in negative behaviors, but sometimes I still feel like ED is getting louder and louder in my ear and I for some reason start listening and feeling worse and worse about myself. Plus, being a grown up for the first time EVER and truly being on my own is just a whole different world than being a teen or a college student. I guess I thought some things would change that just haven't yet...like even when I'm not purging or starving or doing any of the other terrible things I used to do, I can still be depressed, still be anxious, still be scared, still be angry, still be mean to myself, still be caught off guard all the sudden by my feelings. I suppose I'm just writing this to vent a little as its been a long week and I know there are people on this board who have been in recovery for longer than the year and nine or so months that I have been and I wonder...I don't know exactly...how they felt at this point? All that said, I love recovery. I am so indescribably grateful. And yet - I can still have hard days. They pass and they come and they pass...I guess that's just how it is for now. It is still a daily journey and its really when I forget that - like I start thinking "I've been doing this so long, surely its different now" - and try to tackle more than I can emotionally that I get frustrated. Alright, that was a long rant. To all the ladies I knew when I was in - I LOVE YOU! And to all of you I don't you're still a sister to me on this journey. Be well!
	Reply by: sis	Replied: 02/02/08 02:37 pm
	Dear Bear: I have only been out a month longer than you and I have these feelings at times too. What is uniques about you is that you are just starting your life and career and those feelings that you described are ok too. I felt the same way starting my first job too. I've learned in recovery as you shared there are good days and bad days and you get a little tempted to the old way a little -- it's easy. In a year and a half look how far you have come and you know what in another year you will be even better. As you gain more experience, maturity, and trust in yourself you will find the ability and devleop coping skills to handle lifes ups and downs easier. I remember once at CFC I had a great talk with one of the techs who once went through a really rough time concerning something well, she share with her network of friends, she shared with love ones, decided to handle one day at a time, used coping skills that she developed, had a few good crys and she made it. Personnaly, I'm learning not to be so judgemental of my self-- to be observe more without critical judgement, take a step back, use the skills I learned and punt. Sometimes I do well and sometimes I don't and then I say to my self "that's life and it's like that sometimes -- I'm ok. Bear you are beautiful,,, and you're an eagle so just fly. Blessings SIS
	Reply by: alana	Replied: 02/03/08 03:07 am
	so everyone comes up with these cool little code names to stay all annon, but since i didn't think of that, sometimes i feel like a retard posting with my name attached... oh well! anyway bear, my dearest, first of all, you are great and i just wanted to remind you of that. life IS hard sometimes, no matter how well you are dealing with the other areas of your life, but its not a respresentation of you, your progress in recovery, your ability to succeed as a grown up in the real world, or any of that. it is just how things are sometimes, and by remembering that it is just a little fact of life, maybe it will also remind you that those hard times will ALWAYS pass. they don't come because you are slacking in recovery or doing anything wrong, ride it out and you will see that once again you will be just fine! its hard to feel stuck sometimes, and its scary to have ED thoughts that pop into your head because it is so easy to believe them (you lived your life according to them for years!), but the affirmation to your progress is the fact that you are able to separate them from your rational thought and not act on them anymore. that is a HUGE accomplishment in less than 2 years! at this point you know that recovery comes slowly, but you also have been doing well enough to hopefully see that IT WILL come. just keep fighting one day at a time- look how far you have come in just the past year and nine months, and then imagine that progress doubling every other year and nine months for the rest of your life. pretty impressive, huh?! i still have a hard time slowing down enough to feel my emotions sometimes, and sometimes when do i suddenly wonder why i am feeling that way (and it gives me baby flashbacks to being in cfc and feeling like an emotional mess all the time). but i know that realistically i am nothing like how i was then and i can't help but think of how awesome is it that i can actually feel emotion now without turning to self destructive things to get rid of them! for me, emotion still comes in crazy waves sometimes, but i've found that the more i allow it to come, the less overwhelming it is. nothing's worse than stuffing it and then just blowing up over something small. so take those emotions in stride- all of them- because its who you are. feeling those emotions and realizing that you are a decent, functioning, normal person even when you feel depressed/scared/anxious/angry/etc, has helped you mature into the amazing person that you are today, and is what keeps you from regressing to someone that you have already grown out of being. you seriously have no idea how great that is! sorry this was so long, but i hope it may have helped a little... you rock my friend and i'm proud of you! take care! ciao!
	Reply by: This is Me	Replied: 02/03/08 03:34 am
	Hi Bear, Good to hear from you again! I am so proud of you for even putting your feelings out there. That is a huge step to take and hopefully it will go a long way in helping you. I have learned that life happens whether you have an eating disorder (or other addiction/coping skill) or not. The point is that now you are living it instead of merely existing through it. But living also means feeling it. I remember when I first really understood that everyone experienced the ups and downs of life that I was just starting to feel because I was no longer using the eating disorder. I couldn't believe that everyone else really had feelings like this. I have discovered that the way I interpret those feelings is a little different from other people's, but overall, we are all in this journey together, and we are meant to share. And not just with other eating disordered/addicted people, but share our feelings and experiences with "real" people. It's tough. I've gotten burned, even just recently, by people I thought I could trust. But it is definitely better than the numbness and flat-lining that comes with the addictions. I wish I could offer better advice and support than this. I might not be the best one to be offering advice right now anyway, since I'm not doing so well myself. And I have only been out of CFC a little longer than you anyway. (But I AM heading in the right direction at least!) I guess I'm trying to say that you might be expecting a change that will never happen. I'm not sure if I have mis-read your expectations, but it almost sounds like you are waiting for depression, discouragement, fear, anxiety, and other emotions to disappear because the ED/addictions are gone. Remember, you developed the addictions to cope with the emotions; the emotions didn't come because you had the addictions. Those emotions are normal and they will always be there. Don't expect that to ever change. The difference is how you react to them -- you have to recognize and acknowledge them first -- let yourself FEEL them -- and then use the tools and skills you learned in treatment/therapy and cope with them. They are what they are. I don't know if I've been any help, but if nothing else I can give you support and let you know you're not alone in your struggles. Good luck, and I am so proud of you. It is amazing that you have been able to go without a lapse. Keep it up, and keep posting. Let us know how you are doing, and keep reaching out when you need support.
	Reply by: sis	Replied: 02/04/08 12:29 am
	Greetings All: What you all said is great especially "This is Me." You have a good way of puttings. I hope you are doing well. Bear, just keep moving forward,,, you are really making it,,,, keep going, smell the roses, feel life and all of it's seasons. Blessings, Sis.
	Reply by: bear	Replied: 02/05/08 11:51 pm
	Hi to all you wonderful women, It is so good to come home from work and read all this. Its always awesome to remember how many other people are going through and learning how to cope with exactly the same things that I am. I go to meetings for that "other" addiction of mine all the time and while I CAN and DO talked about ED, its nice to have it actually be the focus of what I'm looking at sometimes, too. I'm doing much better emotionally than I was when I last posted...I remember the first time I had a really, truly, totally down and out day after moving to San Fran and I kept telling myself "this will pass, this will pass, just get home and journal and cry and go to bed early" and I was seriously shocked when I actually woke up in a different mood. Sometimes I just forget that its a journey, and the things that seem to be blocking my way are actually just more material to work with in my spiritual growth. I had a great reminder of that today - I was super annoyed with my boss and came home, opened a binder I made at CFC and read "whatever you are dealing with is exactly what you need to be working on right now." Duh... I guess thats all just to say its great to know you guys are here. There's a slogan in the anonymous meetings I go to that says something like "I surround myself with other people who in recovery because at least one of us is bound to be sane at some moment when none of the rest of us are, and I need to be around that when I'm crazy and I need to be there when someone else is loosing their mind." Are you doing OK, this is me? You said you were struggling a bit. We are all here to hold you up as well:) Nothing too new. I will keep posting, though.... love love love, me
	Reply by: This is Me	Replied: 02/07/08 03:12 am
	Bear, Thanks for asking. No, I guess I'm not doing okay, if you are referring to recovery. Am in the midst of a relapse, the first real one since I left CFC. Unfortunately, in spite of the relapse (or, as the ED likes to tell me, because of it) everything else in life is going extremely well!! I am so on top of things it's scary. But I think I'm finally headed in the right direction with this relapse and can at least say I don't want to get worse, I don't want to stay stuck. Soooo . . . we'll see what happens from here. I'll be all right, don't worry. But thanks for your concern. You keep up the great work you are doing! You are an inspiration!
	Reply by: bear	Replied: 02/07/08 11:14 am
	Thanks for being so honest, This is Me. I know I still have a hard time asking for help when I am actually IN the problem and not waiting until I have it "all figured out" to talk about it. I think that's really a big deal, and takes a lot of courage. Yep - ED is a big ugly liar...whatever it is going to make you feel empowered it will take away just as fast and leave you feeling desperate and alone. Just remember that. I'm glad for you that things haven't fallen apart yet, but playing with ED is always a bad idea. I just hope you're not stuck in guilt or shame or hopelessness about it. I have ALWAYS learned the most from the hard times in recovery - about myself, the weaknesses in my program, the places I still need a lot of help with. The lapses and relapses and dark times are really profoundly meaningful learning opportunities. I heard that a lot in the center and never really understood until I went through it myself. Sometimes I feel like when I pray and I ask God to help me with a certain unhealthy behavior or thought I laugh at myself because I think "I'm actually asking God to put something really painful in my life - for a time - because that is the only way I seem to change and grow" You are an incredible woman, an amazing Mom, and a very honest friend. Don't forget what rare and special qualities those are. BIG hugs!
	Reply by: freedom	Replied: 02/07/08 09:33 pm
	I don't post too often but I wanted to let you guys know how much reading your posts have helped me. I am in relapse right now and it has been a very scary place to be. It has helped to see that I am not alone and "this too shall pass". Thank you to all of you amazing women!! Freedom
	Reply by: This is Me	Replied: 02/08/08 11:40 am
	Thanks so much for the support! Now I want to cry, but that would be feeling, and heaven knows I can't do that (JK)!! As much as I don't want to admit it, I struggle with feelings of worthlessness, so your positive comments hit me in my heart. Thankfully, however, I have avoided feeling ashamed of the relapse or wallowing in guilt. I'm pretty honest about it and okay with it. (Maybe more guilt would motivate me more, who knows!) Anyway, thanks. Your support means a lot and really touched me. Take care.
	Reply by: sis	Replied: 02/09/08 01:40 am
	Dear This Is Me: After I read your posting I want to remind you how far you have come, how far you have gone and the great adventure of life that awaits you. You are indeed a great person and a wonderful lady and good friend. We will have our battles from time to time as you mentioned but remember you have won the war. Your strength gave me courage while I was at CFC if you recall. I was so scared and you gave me courage. Stay in touch with those feelings,,, your real true feelings ,,, not this false guilt stuff that ED can shovel on us. Stay the course and remain true to your truth -- get focussed on your life and all of the great things in it and grab ED by the nose and kick it in the rear. You have too much of a beautiful soul and a great heart. Just thought I would share an encouraging word. Blessings, Sis

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